Usually, on Tell Us Tuesday, we ask you a question regarding your life, your kids’ lives, or your thoughts on something in particular.  Today, I’m going to Tell YOU.  I’m going to tell you about my struggle with my weight, something that is very personal and has taken me a long time to come to terms with needing help.  When you have a child with special needs you go through a depression that is so hard to pull yourself out of.  It seems the more you see yourself in photos or even in the mirror as the overweight woman you don’t know, the more depressed you become.  At least, for me, that’s how it is.  Now that I’m 36, I’m finding that I like myself a lot more.  My body isn’t all that there is of me.  I’m funny, fairly attractive, and I’ve got a nice rack.  I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling down about how I look.  With that in mind, I’ve decided to lose weight in a public way.  I’m going to document my weight loss goals and ups and downs right here to share with all of you to hopefully make myself more accountable.  Here is my story:

As a kid I was always slender.  I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.  I never had a problem; but then, I was always active and we were so poor we didn’t have very much “junk” in the house to eat.  We always had fresh vegetables and fruit (that my grandma actually helped grow and harvest), and fresh meats.  We had no sodas, only sweet tea on occasion, and very little processed foods.  As an adult, I indulged in junky, craving-satisfying foods too often.  I was 19 when my mom died, and I started smoking her leftover cigarettes.  It didn’t take too long to be hooked on those bad boys.  Oh, I enjoyed smoking.  I loved it. It was fun, it was social, and it was definitely something my sister would never do.  When I was 25 and planning to get married I quit smoking so that we could focus on getting pregnant.  I gained 12 pounds before the wedding (thus resulting in the letting-out-of-the-dress) due to the smoking cessation.  I didn’t worry about it too much because I knew it was from quitting smoking and I thought that was way more important than gaining a few pounds.  I got pregnant shortly after the wedding; two months to be exact.  While pregnant, I gained 44 pounds. I ate what I wanted with no worry about the weight, thinking I would just lose it after the baby.  When Jamie was born with so many problems, I sank into a deep depression that wanted to overwhelm me and I didn’t worry about the weight.  I was so focused on Jamie and his needs that I didn’t think too much about what I was putting in my ever-open mouth.  I ate my way out of that black hole.  I thought that I could eat my way to happiness.  (That doesn’t work, in case you’re wondering.)

Once Jamie was fairly healthy, I started walking every day.  I would bundle him up in his stroller and off we would go.  First I was barely able to make it around one block without feeling like I was 80 years old.  Pretty soon, we were going four blocks, and then we worked our way up to a mile a day.  I was so proud of myself.  My son and I were getting out of the house, getting some much-needed vitamin D, and exercise for me.  I lost 30 pounds, and I looked and felt great!  Finally, I was back to my normal self.  I was wearing a size 6 jeans again, and just felt phenomenal.  I was ready to take on the world!  Then, we decided to have another baby…and the weight piled back on.  I tried to watch what I ate, and still I gained 44 pounds…again.  It didn’t matter that I was eating only fresh foods, and very little processed.  The weight just came on.  And boy, did I feel bad.  I was so sick with 18 weeks of morning sickness you would think I wouldn’t gain much, but that was not the case.  I had Riley and she was the best baby.  We were in and out of the hospital in two days, she was sleeping 3 to 4 hours at a night and eating like a champ.  She had no developmental issues.  It was Heaven!  And yet, I couldn’t lose the stubborn weight.

When Riley was 10 months old, we moved 750 miles away from the only city I had ever lived in, leaving behind all of my family, and friends I had known my whole life.  I was faced with making new friends, in a new city, with a child with special needs, and a baby (neither of whom could walk yet).  I was stuck in my new house, with no friends anywhere.  I started to feel that depression again.  Joel’s cousin passed suddenly (who was a wonderful friend to both of us) and that made matters worse.  I could not focus on weight loss in any way, shape, or form.  So, I ate.  And ate.  And ate some more.  Until I was almost back at my pregnancy weight.  Now, here we are five years later, and I’m still about 25 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  I have tried eating Gluten-free (because I feel so much healthier when not eating bread even though I do not have celiac), and I’ve tried counting calories (no fun at all).  I’ve tried walking again to lose the weight, but our unpredictable weather is not conducive to good walking.  I’ve tried eating only fresh fruits and veggies and lean meats (I’ve found this to be the best so far), and I’ve tried work out videos, yoga stretching (my favorite!), and even games on the xbox to help me get active.  I joined a gym (that was 15 miles from my house) and didn’t go because it was too far to drive and there was no appropriate care for my kids.  Having a child who is susceptible to every cold and virus and putting them in the daycare at the gym is not a great combination.  There were always reasons I “couldn’t” lose weight.  But now, I’m out of excuses.  Now, the muffin top has to go.

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